Marvelous Monday Reads: Unholy Matrimony

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Marvelous Monday Reads, angels! Today I’m participating in a blog tour for Roane Publishing to promote their latest publication Unholy Matrimony by Sonny Zae.

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To celebrate the release, Roane Publishing is giving away an eCOPY of UNHOLY MATRIMONY, as well as a $10 Amazon Gift Card. To enter the raffle, click here.

And now, here’s an interview with the main character supplied by Roane Publishing — read on!

 

What do you look for in a woman?

Interviewer: Tell me, Sonny, as an infamous lover, what do you look for in a woman?

Sonny: The word is notorious, as in Sonny the Scoundrel, the notorious lover. As a lover, I am both infamous and notorious. Have you never done an interview before? Did you not hear the stories about me? As to what I look for in a woman, she should be lovely, of course, tall and willowy, with long, cascading hair. But she should also be able to work and cook and clean, so she can have big, muscular arms.

Interviewer: Ah, I think I know where this is going. You like a big, strong woman who can slap you around a little, don’t you.

Sonny: No, do not be ridiculous! It is only so she can work hard, supporting me if necessary.

Interviewer: Fine, I’ll take your word for it, for now. But I know what you like, and know your penchant for falling for women who keep a tight rein on you.

Sonny: Contrary to the ugly rumors that persist about me, no woman has ever put a bridle on Sonny the Scoundrel.

Author: What about a riding crop?

Sonny: No comment. What happened to your questions about the women I prefer?

Author: Right. So, tall and with long hair and big biceps is how you like your women. What else? A good sense of humor?

Sonny: No.

Interviewer: Wealthy?

Sonny: Certainly. That goes without saying.

Interviewer: What about personality?

Sonny: Optional.

Interviewer: Come on, that is the most important part of finding love, isn’t it? What was it about Ariella that drew you to her?

Sonny: Fair enough. Ariella has personality, and loads of it. She is a very smart girl and knows how to get the better in any business deal.

Interviewer: And your respect that? Admire her for it?

Sonny: Of course.

Interviewer: But could you trust her?

Sonny: Certainly not!

Interviewer: Then how could you find her so attractive?

Sonny: It is … I suppose because she is so much like me, both strikingly beautiful on the outside, and ruthless and calculating on the inside.

Interviewer: So, what is the probability of impending marriage?

Sonny: Pretty good, if she plays her cards right.

 

How will you survive on your own once Grandpap is gone?

Interviewer: Sonny, how old is your grandfather, the wizard Zuthar Zaeffom?

Sonny: Older than the oldest tree in the forest.

Interviewer: And how old would that be?

Sonny: He must be drawing up on one-hundred and fifty years of age.

Interviewer: That old? How old are you?

Sonny: Thirty-three.

Interviewer: So then, hold on, if your mother was thirty when she gave birth to you, then at the time you were born, Grandpap would be around one-hundred?

Sonny: If you say so. I never engage in tasks so mundane as mathematics. It is quite beneath me.

Interviewer: Have you never wondered how old your grand-sire was when he begat your mother?

Sonny: No.

Interviewer: So, in your world, it is of no concern to bear a child out of wedlock?

Sonny: It is considered most inappropriate.

Interviewer: Then how did your Grandpap avoid being punished by the villagers?

Sonny: He is a wizard! No one talks back to a wizard. He can do what he wants, when he wants.

Interviewer: Then what about you? What will you do when he is dead and is no longer around to protect you whenever you get your … tail feathers in a trap?

Sonny: It will be a problem, I am sure. No one in the village cares overmuch for me. When Grandpap kicks off, I will not have a champion here.

Interviewer: What will happen?

Sonny: The villagers will likely chase me into the woods with torches and scythes.

Interviewer: What is your plan for that day?

Sonny: Plan? I have no plan … save running for my life.

 

If you could have only one wizarding power, what would it be?

Interviewer: Sonny, if you could have only one wizarding power, what would it be?

Sonny: That is the most difficult question you have asked me. There are so many magical powers I have coveted. Let me see. Of course, my first thought is that I crave the desire to turn objects into goald.

Interviewer: Alchemy?

Sonny: Yes, most definitely. Then I could glamour any number of stones or twigs to look like goald, and I would be able to drink for free every day for the rest of my life.

Interviewer: What about the ability to mesmerize?

Sonny: True, that would be a wonderful magical power to wield. But at times it could be a bothersome amount of work to push people around. I would much rather they anticipate what I wanted and do it without needing to be compelled by me.

 

What is your most outrageous secret?

Interviewer: Tell us, Sonny the Scoundrel, what is your most outrageous secret?

Sonny: What secret do I harbour that I would never want anyone to know? Only that I am a warm, sensitive, and caring person deep inside.

Interviewer: Oh, come on! I read the story.

Sonny: What do you mean?

Interviewer: I suppose there could be a good person hidden deep inside of you, but no one has ever seen that side of Sonny Zaeffom. Seriously, what would shock the people who know you if they were ever to find out?

Sonny: Truly, I have no secrets.

Interviewer: I could interview everyone in your village and dig up some dirt.

Sonny: Oh, very well. My shameful secret is that I once tricked a visitor to our village into dressing up as a … no, that was not a secret. Ummm, you will tell this to no one?

Interviewer: Of course not. What?

Sonny: Strange, as I have never told this to anyone, and have buried it so deeply in my memory that I have not thought about it in years.

Interviewer: Go on.

Sonny: As the grandson of a wizard, it is no secret that I have a pedigree that shames every other person around me. I never violate my station in life by doing common labor. Work is for peasants and dull-witted clods. But despite that, I once … umm, this is very hard for me to talk about.

Interviewer: Take your time. Would you like a cup of tea?

Sonny: Do you have any ale? Tea does not loosen tongues. As I was saying, I had occasion to visit a distant relative several years ago, who lived in a distant village. Hagan was a cooper in the village of Trowspood, widowed and with a small daughter. His daughter was exceptionally cute, only five years old, with curly brown hair and the most serious eyes I had ever seen. When I arrived, he was finishing an order of oak barrels. Hagan’s customer had arrived with a wagon and waited for Hagan to finish the last barrel.

Interviewer: What did you do during this time?

Sonny: I … played with the child. I entertained her, played games with her, and kept her busy and happy until Hagan had finished his business. There was not much day left. Hagan cooked an evening meal and we talked and downed a few ales, then went to bed. By the next morning, when I set out to walk home, she was calling me “Da-Da.” Is that not the most wonderful thing you have ever heard?

Interviewer: So your deep, dark secret is that you once spent a day with a young child and actually didn’t hate the experience?

Sonny: Umm … yes. Do not think me a monster.

Interviewer: Well, as sordid as that all sounds, you haven’t answered my question, haven’t admitted to some dark, hidden personal shame. What is so bad about being tricked into doing manual labor? Or amusing a small child for a few hours?

Sonny: You really expect me to answer that?

Interviewer: Yes, I do. Or I shall not give you this shiny, new quarter, as promised.

Sonny: Oh, very well! Why is it painful to talk about? Because I actually enjoyed it! I labored with my hands, cleaning the child’s face when she was covered in food, and carrying her around like a mere pack animal. Several people in Trowspood saw me do so. At least they were not aware of how I debased myself, did not know who I was or where I was from. There, are you happy now?

 

What is the most dastardly deed you have ever done?

Interviewer: Sonny, what is the most dastardly deed you have ever done?

Sonny: Oh, I cannot pick a single favourite out of all of my achievements.

Interviewer: It doesn’t have to be the worst thing you have ever done, just one of the many really terrible things you have done.

Sonny: Very well, but it is still a difficult choice for me to make. Let me see. Once, when Abnelius and I went to Cappersham’s tavern in the early afternoon, Abnelius drank so much that he fell over outside the tavern and I could not rouse him, he was so besotted.

Interviewer: So the dastardly deed was that you were a bad influence on this Abnelius fellow?

Sonny: Oh, no, I was not the bad influence, Abnelius was. That is not what the story is about. Abnelius is as old as Grandpap, but much shorter and scrawnier, with skinny little bow legs. But he can put away the ale, he can. But on this particular evening, he did not hold it well, and staggered outside to relieve himself and did not return. When I found him, I could not get him to wake up.

Interviewer: That sounds like a problem.

Sonny: Surely it was! He was buying. And without him, Capper would not let me back into his tavern.

Interviewer: What did you do?

Sonny: What could I do? I waited for him to revive, to regain his senses.

Interviewer: Are you telling me that you waited patiently for him to sober up?

Sonny: Of course not! I searched his pack until I found one of his energy slugs. They can revive a besotted man quite quickly. You just slip one up–

Interviewer: No! I don’t want to hear any more, not about the slug. So then, when he revived, you two went back to drinking?

Sonny: Yes. But before I administered the slug, I … ummm, changed his attire a bit.

Interviewer: I’m afraid to ask, but … what did you do?

Sonny: Dressed him up like a girl. He did not notice. But the men in the tavern did. They thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. I had a fancy bonnet on his head, and nicked Roswitha Ulver’s bloomers, the bonnet and bloomers where the only clothes on him. And I rouged his lips up to a bright red.

Interviewer: What happened then?

Sonny: A fight, of course. Abnelius may not have been alert enough to tell what I had done to him, but he had enough wits to lose his temper. Abnelius is always able to lose his temper. So when the mule drover laughed at him, he lit into the drover like a rooster after a bull.

Interviewer: Was he injured?

Sonny: Abnelius? No. He may be a scrawny old wizard, but he is still a wizard. And he fights dirty. It was one hell of a scrap, it was.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this time?

Sonny: I did the only thing I could do, under the circumstances. I slipped around and drank every cup dry as the other people in the tavern watched the fight.

 

What is your most secret ambition?

Interviewer: Let’s talk about your future. What is Sonny Zaeffom’s one secret ambition? What is the one thing you would most like to do in life?

Sonny: One thing? Hmmm. Well, this may sound rather bizarre to you.

Interviewer: Go on.

Sonny: I was once told a crazy story by Grandpap’s best friend, Abnelius.

Interviewer: Who is that?

Sonny: Abnelius is a wizard from a nearby village. He specializes in healing. He and Grandpap have been best friends forever—and Grandpap is very old, one-hundred forty-five, I believe. Anyway, Abnelius comes by on occasion to visit Grandpap, to eat and drink and share an evening. Abnelius is even stranger than Grandpap, which is quite a feat—though all wizards are mighty strange. Anyway, one night when Grandpap had to go and do some magical chore for a neighbor, Abnelius and I had a good time, drinking all the ale in our house. Just for fun, I asked Abnelius to tell me about alchemy, and he told me about Grandpap’s younger days, when he my grandsire was considered the most likely up-and-coming wizard, the wizard most likely to solve the riddle of alchemy. Abnelius told me all about Grandpap’s alchemy wand, how it seemed to actually work, and how a rival wizard caused it to be destroyed.

Interviewer: This is all very interesting, but do you have a point? What does this have to do with your secret ambition?

Sonny: Do have some patience. Abnelius claimed that Grandpap had figured out the secret of alchemy and was on the cusp of becoming the most successful and acclaimed wizard of his generation. But then it was ruined by a rival wizard, supposedly when that wizard was under the influence of … too much ale. So, in jest, I said to Abnelius, would it not be most wonderful if one could use a magical wand to both conduct alchemy and stir up a fine drink?

Interviewer: What did your friend Abnelius say?

Sonny: He gave me a sideways look and asked how I had heard such a strange tale. I told him it was not a tale, but just a thought that had come to me in the moment. Abnelius grew serious and informed me there were rumours in the wizarding community that such a thing was possible, that it was possible to construct a wand which could create both spirituous drink and goald.

Interviewer: What is your secret ambition?

Sonny: I would do almost anything to have such a wand, to be able to sit back, wave a wand, and create a fine drink at a moment’s notice. One would not even need goald, then, would one?

Interviewer: That is tremendously ambitious of you.

Sonny: Indeed! But I have even more ambition than that.

Interviewer: Do tell.

Sonny: You will wonder why you did not think of this. What would you do if you had a wand, a wonderful and powerful magical implement, wherein you did not even have to go through two separate incantations to make goald and fine drink?

Interviewer: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Sonny: Of course not! You are not the genius that I am. But I suppose you want to know what I am hinting about?

Interviewer: I suppose I can’t end this interview until you tell me?

Sonny: Very well, if you insist. My secret ambition, what I would do if I had such a wand, is … please, remain seated for your own good. I would be able to mix up a fine drink with the wand, then after I tossed it down, the magical wand would do its duty and strange things would happen inside me, just as you must suspect by now.

Interviewer: I have been suspecting strange things going on inside you since the beginning of this interview. What, pray tell, would be the result?

Sonny: The drink would produce goald in my bowels. What do you think of that?

Interviewer: Your secret ambition is to, to—

Sonny: Yes. I would be the first person to have shat out goald.

Interviewer: This interview is over. Does your Grandpap have any potion that could wipe the last few minutes from my memory?


UnholyMatrimonyCoverSonny is so handsome, he doesn’t need magic to get what he wants, except when he gets into trouble. And, he’ll do anything for love or money, except work. So, the thought of marriage represents the worst of all possible worlds, a danger he avoids at all costs.

His plans for getting rich the easy way—by stealing—go awry when he meets Ariella. She is not only lovely to look at, but just may be as slippery and greedy as he. Better still, she becomes highly stimulated at the prospect of helping him hijack a treasure.

But, in addition to helping him steal “goald”, the cunning Ariella might just steal his scoundrel heart.

Story Excerpt

“Tell me where you hid the amulet.” Her lips touched my ear lobe and I almost lost control of my spleen. “Confess your theft, and I will reward you, will complete the passionate interlude left unconsummated last night.”

“For you, my dear, I would confess anything.”

“Go on, do tell.”

“I confess my desire for you, my passion is aroused by your touch.”

“That is not what I want to hear. Confess you took the amulet, and tell where you hid it.”

“I will.” My heartbeats pounded in my ears. “But first, caress my trouser weasel, stroke it as you were doing last night.”

“Oh, no,” she cooed into my ear. “You tell me where the chicken foot is, and then you will be rewarded.”

I smiled to myself, despite my predicament. Such moments in life were few and far between, moments when fools thought they had the better of me, then discovered they needed to curry my favour, instead of the other way around. “My dear, I will confess nothing. Abler men than you—well, men, at least—have tried to break my spirit, and all have failed.”

“Where is the chicken foot?” she hissed, grasping my ear and twisting it. The pain was sharp and delicious.

“I do not know!” Strangely, it was true.

“Liar! Tell me, or I shall kick you.”

“Kick me if you must, but I refuse to tell you.” I fervently hoped she would carry through her threat. “What will you do with the wedding gifts? I shall tell the people of your village it was all your idea.”

“Oh, my! Dear me!” Ariella responded, mock fear dripping from her lovely lips. “Do you think they will believe you, a stranger, over a beautiful and innocent young girl?” She punctuated the question by kicking me in the gut.

“That did not hurt,” I lied. “Throw your whole body into it. Do you have a pair of pointy shoes? Kicking me with pointy shoes might at least discomfit me…while you are kicking, at least. The pain fades almost immediately and you shall never get the truth out of me at this rate.”

Where to Buy

Roane Publishing
Amazon
Amazon UK
Barnes and Noble (Coming soon)
KOBO (Coming soon)
Smashwords
Bookstrand
Goodreads

About Sonny Zae

Sonny Zae lives in a small town on the edge of reality. His only remarkable characteristic is imagination. He ignored his grade school teacher’s repeated admonitions to stop daydreaming and get to work.

Sonny’s book WIZARD SEEKING TROPHY BRIDE, is also available on Kindle. It is a story about the exceptional difficulties involved in finding love and happiness for an elderly and strange wizard, not to mention the difficulties of dealing with an elderly relative—an elderly relative who is also a wizard.

About nicolacameronwrites

Nicola Cameron has had some interesting adventures in her life -- ask her sometime about dressing up as Tietania, Queen of the Bondage Fairies. When not writing, she wrangles cats, makes dolls of dubious and questionable identity, and thanks almighty Cthulhu that she doesn’t have to work for a major telecommunications company any more (because there’s BDSM, and then there’s just plain torture...).

Posted on May 26, 2014, in Evernight Publishing, Marvelous Monday Reads and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Marvelous Monday Reads: Unholy Matrimony.

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